The Ruins
by Fraulein Anglophile
Summary: The complicated story of Severus Snape. Set in the Muggle world at a Muggle boarding school in the 1950s.
1. Chapter 1

The bare walls always felt slightly damp. The windows always seemed to let a chill in. He could not remember dusting more than a few times in the two decades since he had spent his first night here as a young man. The only furniture was the bed and the nightstand with the drawer, which was where she stayed.

The room was always one way, and each morning was always one way one. Dark or close to it. Cold or close to it. The old bed creaking when he moved, the same blanket pushed back. He put his feet on the floor and he opened the drawer to the nightstand. She was there, every morning, same as the noise the bed, the always fading pattern on the blanket he had never changed, the echo of his movements in the bare space.

He had three pictures of her. One she had given him when they were twelve years old. One he had stolen from her room when they were students at the school he now taught at. The last wasn't a picture, but a newspaper clipping from her wedding, an event to which he had been invited but had let pride keep him from attending.

They were all that was left of her, the pictures. The pictures and the boy.

He started with the one she had given him, her in long red braids, her inscription to him on the back in handwriting very neat for a child of twelve. In one corner, his hair was visible as he disappeared out of the picture, running from the camera. The picture had stolen was of her and her sister at Christmas when the two of them were teenagers. Her hair was a bit shorter, no braids. The wedding photograph, black and white, had been folded so that only she showed. He had thought it would be immature to cut James from the picture, but had picked up the scissors several times before deciding for good that it would stay as it was. Even if James was gone, the cut would show his absence. Part of arm would be gone along with it. And he knew, even if James was gone from the picture, he could never have that moment of her life for himself. It belonged forever to man behind the fold, the skinny man who wouldn't get a haircut for his wedding, who grinned forever in her direction.

He held them one by one, Lilly as a child, as a young woman, a young bride. He put them back and then he was ready.

Many of the teachers lived off campus with their families but he had none so he lived in a room at the school. There had been a short time spell between his stays here, as a student and a teacher. Those few years were ones he did not remember easily, but he did every morning, with the red haired girl, he thought on them and her and the her little house where she had lived for such a short time. It was gone, along with her and James. He was here now, with the pictures and the boy.

His day would go on because it had to. He would come back, from the summer day of her childhood, from the Christmas of her seventeenth year, from the day she was married to James. He would come back from her short life and he would dress and he would sit outside with coffee and a cigarette. He would read, he would supervise breakfast, he would teach, he would go back to his room. If he was lucky he could get through the day without seeing the boy.

And it would all bring him back here to the same room it always had. He would open the window, sometimes listen to the radio, sometimes spread out a newspaper, sometimes use his telescope to observe the stars. In the end, he went to her one last time.

Severus was well aware that his behavior was abnormal. He had been told so several times by Albus, who always sighed and patted his should when he pointed it out. He had tried to fight it, but over the years, he had fought so many things that this one he could not any more. Now that the boy was here, he needed it more than ever. He wanted to claim what he could of Lilly, hold what part of her he had. These were things he had the boy did not. He looked at the pictures and sometimes thought that though her son would never really remember her, he would. He had years of memories and Harry, none. Harry was half Lilly, but in a way, when he held the pictures, Severus felt like had more of her. He had years, good and terrible, to think on when he thought of her.

So he claimed what he could of her. He marked it as his, the day he ran from the camera as the picture of the two of them was taken. Most of all, that was something he would never share. There was no James, no boy, her smiling face turning toward the blur that was him. She was reaching for him, reaching to bring him back into the picture. She had loved him once, never more than as a brother, but he had proof of her love, her pale skin lit up with laughter, a freckled arm reaching for him.


	2. Chapter 2

I dedicate this chapter to my sister and the look on her face were she to know that I write Harry Potter fanfiction.

The second chapter goes back in the past.

Severus was glad for the lack of light in the headmaster's office. He could not care less about muddy his shoes were or the rips or even the various bruises he could feel ripening all over him. But he had seen his own eyes, briefly, when they passed a mirror. They not eyes he wanted Albus Dumbledore looking into and he liked to believe that he was a bit hidden here in a shadowy office. He knew better of course. Anyway, he was here because he was done with hiding.

"Did you not think this would happen?"

His words stung but Severus could not bring himself to squirm like a child under the scrutiny. He sat up strait and every now and then looked up. He wiped his hands on his trousers and they came away more dirty than before. The office remained quiet. Severus had said all he could say so he was quiet. Snow from an early cold spell melted on his clothes, disappearing white against the black fabric and dirt on it.

"You had to have known would end this way," said Albus.

Severus decided that it was the words he disliked hearing, not anything in particular in the headmaster's voice. Albus, for all the young man sitting in front of him had done, was observing and listening with sympathy and disappointment more than anything else.

"I thought…"

He tried to finish the sentence, but he found only a hot gulp stuck in throat. He knew he could not sit here and any longer conceal any part of himself. He swallowed the half finished sentence and looked up at the headmaster and did not break the gaze.

"What did you think? That her tonight he husband and son would be dead and you could comfort her and start with her a new life?"

Severus had forgotten how this building could so easily play echoes like a musical instrument, taking them and winding them around and plucking them so that the sound stretched and stretched. Many would not know of the events of this evening until morning, but much of the school's staff was awake and moving around. He could occasionally hear the movements of people trying to be quiet. The footsteps, the doors closing and opening, whispers. And after he heard the noises, he heard them again, climbing the stairs and coming back down, bouncing from wall to wall.

"No answer, Severus?"

"I loved her."

"And you thought that the death of her family would change that she did not feel the same for you?"

"Please, Professor."

"You think I am being cruel?"

"You are not cruel Headmaster, but the circumstances are. I don't like what you're saying only because hearing such frankness after what I have done is difficult. "

The old man sighed. He turned his head to the dark window and Severus saw him wipe away the beginning of a tear from his eyes.

"Am I welcome?" Severus asked.

"Not by all. Not by most. But by me, yes. In actuality, I may be the only one."

"I deserve much worse."

"I will not dispute you on that. But nor am I a judge of men. Only a Headmaster."

Albus stayed in his chair a moment longer while the clock made a minute of noisy movement. His thin chest filled and shaking his head, he sighed one last time and then turned to face his guest again. Finally he stood and walked to the door and motioned Severus to follow him.

They walked through the halls in darkness. A few professors stopped and stared before moving on quickly. The two came to a door, which the headmaster unlocked and opened.

"I doubt you will sleep tonight, but here is your room. I will come for you in the morning. I think it best if you stay here until I come for you. I have to make arrangements."

It was the first time he saw the room that would be for the rest of his life his home. Albus left and closed the door. There were hours still until light. Severus sat down on the bed and from his coat pocket, he pulled out a plastic bag and pulled from it three pictures.


	3. Chapter 3

Albus was right. He did not sleep that night. He spent most of it seated on the bed, looking out the window. The light snow sputtered to the ground and was soon washed away by the drizzle that replaced it. He hid the pictures in a drawer by the bed.

It was early when there was a curt knock on the door. A young woman in nurse's whites handed him a change of clothes, some soap, a sandwich and left without speaking to him. She was curvy but her squarish, bland uniform tried very hard to cover that fact. Her dark hair was pinned back, but in a way that only partly tried to hide the appeal of the long waves. He recognized her as a girl three or four years years ahead of him at school that many of the boys had thought very pretty.

Severus washed his face in the sink in the room, changed his clothes, and threw the food out the window. He waited again. The morning tried to brighten but the fine rain continued unenthusiastically. Without being aware he did so, Severus closed his eyes.

He woke, sweating, propped against the headboard of the bed. He saw his pile of dirty clothes under the sink and remembered where he was. The sound of knocking filled the room completely. He remembered the pictures in drawer, the red haired girl who was now being prepared to be buried with her husband. Several hours had passed. A shaky sunlight fell through the window. He answered the door and this time, Albus had returned.

"Headmaster."

"Severus. Please, follow me."

He nodded and stepped out into the hall, closing the door behind him. They retraced their steps from the night before and arrived again at the door to Albus's study. They stopped and the headmaster turned to him.

"Are you prepared for a meeting, Severus?"

"I'm not sure."

"Are you prepared to tell again now what you told me last night? The audience will be, I think, a bit less forgiving."

"Yes, Headmaster."

Albus opened the door. It was a small group that waited; all four had been his professors only a few years before. Before each was a glass of tea that had gone cold. He saw the discomfort upon his entrance. Raised eyebrows lowered as Albus looked around the room. Severus looked down at his shoes as he was led to his seat.

"He is safe," said Albus to the group.

The four others nodded. Only Severus was motionless, confused.

"Harry is with his aunt and uncle. Albus and I, and Hagrid of course, witnessed his safe arrival," said a woman sitting near the headmaster. She was middle aged, but for her severe bun and glasses, she would have appeared younger than she was.

"Can you tell us, Albus, what happened?" asked another, a thickset man who wore his frown with discomfort as though he was unused to be presented with scenarios not to his liking. He shifted the most of the assembled, as though wearing something itchy. He rubbed his red eyes like a child ready for a nap.

"I cannot," the headmaster answered. "Not fully, anyway. Not, you understand, because I don't want to share, but because I still have very much left to comprehend myself."

"But do you think it's over?"

Albus waited before answering. The room seemed to have frozen while he contemplated what to say.

"We still have a lot of work to do."

"But he's gone. Yes?"

"He has disappeared. That's all we can say for sure."

Severus's eyes drifted down to the table while several other questions were asked about the dead young man and woman and their son. He saw Minerva's hand reach to her jacket pocket where she produced a plain handkerchief. He didn't need to see her dab her eyes with it to know that she had begun crying. They talked a lot about this boy, Lily's son. He had heard, of course, that Lily was a mother. He listened to them talk and drifted into thoughts of her. He liked to imagine her as a mother, but when he did, James was always there, kissing her cheeks, picking up the baby, laughing, laughing, smiling. He was there, ruffling the black hair of the baby, napping in their bed with her head on his chest while the baby slept next to them in his crib. He tried to pull James from the pictures in his mind, but he refused to leave. When the room had been quiet for several seconds, Severus raised his eyes to see that everyone was looking at him.

"We have come to the issue at hand, I see," said Albus. He turned in his chair to face Severus.

"Please, begin."

"Begin?"

"Yes, Severus. Please tell us why you are here."

He saw that everyone had followed Albus's lead and was facing him now.

"I'm- I'm done. I'm finished," he said. All the face's but the headmaster's tensed. He wanted to be sick, but luckily had not eaten anything for more than twenty-four hours.

"So, it's true then?" asked Horace. "You worked for him."

"Yes. But no more. I can't bare it. "

He did not know then that Albus was to ask of him something quite different.


	4. Chapter 4

This chapter goes out with a dedication to my ever delightful friend Craig, who didn't understand why I initially very much disliked David Tennant in the role of The Doctor on "Doctor Who" because I only knew him as Barty Crouch, Jr. from the "Goblet of Fire".

This chapter goes further still into Severus's past.

He could see her through the window of the diner, sitting at the counter, checking her watch, waiting.

She picked up a newspaper and ordered another refill on her coffee. She was better dressed than most there. Lily was no longer a girl, though barely twenty. She wore a beige hat, a tailored jacket and skirt, and expensive looking shoes with a small heel. She had cut her hair again, into a neat bob that fell against her cheeks.

He decided that she was not going to give up on him arriving. He waited another few seconds, watched her tap the counter and again check the time, and then walked into the diner. She looked up when the bell above the door chimed. She smiled when she saw him at first, but he did not smile back and by the time he reached her, Lily was watching him nervously.

"I'm so glad you came," she said, trying the smile again as he sat down next to her. "It's been so long."

He didn't respond, so she picked up her coffee and took a swig that was too hot. She winced at the burn on her tongue.

"Don't you want anything? Food? Tea? Coffee?"

"No thank you."

She stared at him. Her cheeks got red and her eyes took on a soggy look like she was trying not to cry.

"Why did you even come, Severus?"

"Why did you ask me here?"

"I was worried about you. I've heard things."

"And I've heard things as well, Mrs. Potter."

The color of her cheeks now matched the hair that fell against them. He saw a stray tear escape and travel down her neck.

"What? Is it premature to call you that?"

"It's just the way you said it," said Lily. "Like you're calling me a name."

She turned from him and reached into the shiny pocketbook on the counter. She produced a thick envelope. It was faintly purple, with black curly writing on it. His name. Nothing else. She sat it in front of him.

"What's this?"

"Stop it, Severus. You know."

He looked it, then at her, and stood.

"Is that all, Mrs. Potter?"

"I guess so," she snapped.

He walked away and left the wedding invitation sitting in front of his empty seat. He pretended not to hear her call out to him as he left, not to see her quickly throw money on the counter and follow him. On the street, he found a crowd and into it.


	5. Chapter 5

This is a personal note of thanks to anyone who has come by and read my story. I really appreciate anyone who drops by and gives this a chance. Right now, my concept is very loose and I am writing a very disjointed story. Some aspects of the back and forth in time thing I will keep, but I also hope to make things cohesive. This chapter goes back even further into the past.

June was slow in warming up that year.

His window was open and a breeze came through that gave him goose bumps on his arms. The afternoon was dragging on, the sun stubbornly stuck in about the same place it seemed it had been for hours. He picked up a sweatshirt and pulled it on as he listened at the door. The only voices came from the television, and the dry crackling noises of stockinged feet shuffling across the carpet had stopped, so he knew his mother had fallen asleep. His empty room would go unnoticed for a while yet. He climbed through the window out into the damp, overgrown grass.

While he walked, he ate the sandwich he had made himself for supper. He smoked the cigarette he had stolen from his mother earlier that afternoon. By the time he reached Lily's house, the sun had almost fully set. There were few lights on at the Evans's that night, but many windows were open. A homemade wind chime made of shells and stings picked up the small breeze that got lost in its tangles. Severus passed the family's small gray cat sleeping on the front steps as he walked up. He knocked on the door and Lily's sister answered. She was wearing her reading glasses and carried a magazine with her.

"Oh," she said when she saw him. She blew on her wet fingernails, which she had just painted bright red. With that color glistening from the tips, Severus thought that her skinny fingers looked like the talons of some bird of prey that had just finished a kill. "Hi."

"Is Lily home?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Can I come in then?"

Petunia smirked and blew on her nails again.

"Fine," she said, stepping aside. "Suit yourself."

He walked past her, through the living room where the televisions set blared and more of Petunia's magazines were laying around, and to the stairs. Lily's room was the last in the second floor hallway. He knocked on the door and a voice answered, "Go away already, Petunia."

Severus grabbed the doorknob, but as he was about to open it, he heard Lily, talking as thought trying not to laugh while she did.

"James, be nice. Hold up a second, Tuney."

"Lily?" he called.

The music that had been playing got softer quickly. He heard a whisper that was undoubtedly James's. In seconds, the door was opened and James Potter stood in front him. Before he could get a chance to say whatever it was he was opening his mouth to say, Lily came up behind him and he moved out of the way for her.

"Hi," she said. "Come on in."

She turned around to face James, who stepped back into the room with a grand flourish as if greeting a dignitary.

"We're jus t listening to music," said Lily.

"And drinking," said James. He sat at Lily's vanity on a frilled stool that must have been bought when she was much smaller.

"James is drinking," said Lily.

"And smoking." He held up the cigarettes and pulled one out. Severus took a spot on the carpet next to the record player. Lily hovered for a moment before sitting down crossed legged on her bed. Severus looked up at her.

"Your parents are going to kill you," he told her.

"Nah," said James. "Petunia's well bribed to keep a secret."

He reached down to his feet were a half empty six pack of beer was sitting.

"One for you, mate?" he asked Severus.

"I'm fine."

James shrugged.

"More for us then."

He opened the beer and after a sip, leaned back to blow a puff of cigarette smoke in the direction of Lily's window.

"Where are your parents?" Severus asked Lily.

"Overnight in London. There's an office party for my dad. They thought it would be better to stay there come on in the morning. "

"You really think Petunia's going to keep her mouth shut about James?"

"Still here, mate," said James. "I can hear you and everything."

"Stop calling me mate."

James laughed and stood up. He walked over in Severus's direction and leaned down to turn the music back up. Instead of sitting on the stool at the vanity, he flopped on his back on Lily's bed.

"So mate," he said and laughed again, a large cloud of smoke going up to the ceiling when he did. "Answer me a question."

"Fine."

"Boys are not allowing in Lily's room, right?"

"Yes."

"But her parents are fine with you up here, yeah?"

"Yes."

"So, what does that say about you, mate?"

He laughed so hard that he choked on his smoke and had to roll over on his stomach to catch his breath.

"Come on, James," said Lily. When James was finally able to breathe normally, he rolled back over, looking straight at Severus.

"Potter, lay off."

"Just a joke, huh? No hard feelings."

Severus stood up.

"Lily, I think I should go."

He stood up and began to walk to the door.

"Please don't."

"Why don't you go visit with Petunia?" James said. He kicked off his shoes over the end of Lily's bed. "She can paint your nails and tell you the latest gossip."

"James, really," said Lily. She jumped up off the bed and walked to Severus. "Ignore him. He's drunk."

"Don't make excuses for him Lily. He's being himself, only his breath smells worse and he's louder now."

"Once again, mate, still here."

"Potter, just shut up for a second, will you?"

James stood up and walked behind Lily.

"You can't tell me it's not a fair fight this time, Lily. It's just me and him."

She spun and glared at him.

"Go sit down, James. And no more beer."

She opened the door and pulled Severus into the hall. She closed the door behind them.

"You let him get to you, Sev. What did I tell you? Don't give him ammunition."

He started to explain again to her what he felt he had told her so many times, but instead he just shook his head.

"Sorry if we upset you," he said. "Good night. See you tomorrow."

"You're ok?"

He nodded and she smiled.

"Really, he's so ridiculous after a few beers, you wouldn't believe it. "

"Good night," he said again, and quickly turned and went down the hall. He heard her close the door to her room when he was halfway down the stairs.

"A bit crowded up there?" asked Petunia when she saw him.

He responded with a rude gesture over his shoulder as he walked out the door.


End file.
